Kaboodle

Dear Grammie,

Kaboodle left angry tonight. Seems like that happens a lot. I always feel like it's her way or nothing. I feel like if I don't agree with her she will be angry. I hate feeling like that.

Mostly though, I feel like I lost my partner years ago. Working nights was supposed to be temporary until she got better or found a different job. That was around eleven years ago. She says she can't afford to find a different job, but I guess she can sacrifice our relationship. She's always tired and she's depressed. She doesn't eat healthy things and she doesn't wear her CPAP. If she can't be bothered to love herself, how much longer can I stand by and watch? I love her and I watch her throwing it all away. It kills me inside.

We have problems, that's no secret. I don't know what to do about them. I want our relationship to be better, to be happy again. I don't want to always feel like I have to watch what I do and say. It's like one little wrong thing will set her off. That's not healthy. I feel like she always blames my mum for everything instead of listening to me or realizing that some of the life changes are a direct result of her actions or inactions.

I'm seeing a counselor to try and overcome some obstacles in my life, so why won't she? I feel like she's throwing us away by being so stubborn and angry. I feel like she's trying to control me. It seems like it's always an "either or" situation, like her way or forget about it. I just don't understand.

Thank you for listening, Grammie. I miss you so much. I feel so alone without you. Everyone else seems to only love me if I do what they want. You always loved me. I'd better try and sleep now.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and go back to trying my best.

Love you always,
Kit