Winter is Almost Here!

Dear Grammie,

 

Well, it's certainly getting colder here. Down into the 20s at night and everyone is shivering. Good thing Mum sprung for a new furnace. Toasty! Speaking of Mum, yesterday was her birthday. I called and wished her Happy Birthday three times. Just to make up for those years I forgot or what-have-you.

Today I was hoping to spend the afternoon relaxing, but I think house chores require my attention. Maybe tomorrow. Not a whole lot new to report.

Kaboodle and I are seeing a therapist tomorrow. Not sure if we can work out our issues, but I hope at least she will hear me, or that maybe the therapist can help us with our communication problem. I don't know, but I'm hopeful.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I miss you, Grammie!

 

Love you always,
Kit

Happy Halloween!

Dear Grammie,

 

Well, today is Halloween, and in grand tradition, I will be handing out candy to any children that come by and ring my bell. I only bought two bags this year because last year there weren't a lot of kids. I plan to turn my light on about 6:30 and turn it off at about 9:00 or so. Maybe earlier if I run out of candy. I bought the candy a couple weeks ago and just opened it today. I have eaten none of it, nor do I plan to eat any. Just knowing how sick it will make me feel is a surprisingly effective deterrent. Crazy.

I've lost more weight. I feel so much better. The pups and I went for a nice walk today. It was almost 60º F today! I thought it may be one of the last nice days before winter sets in and Peanut has been a holy barking terror the last couple days so off we went. She's pooped out now, which is nice. At least there is a chance of peace and quiet. Ha.

Well, I suppose I should sign off for now. I have some work I'd like to finish before the kids start knocking. I miss you very much and wish you were here.

 

Love you always,
Kit

Happy Birthday!

Dear Grammie,

Happy Birthday!! It was a beautiful day here, but it's starting to cloud over now. Looks like there might be a touch of rain. Not sure just yet, though.

I miss you terribly still and think of you often.

Love forever,
Kit

Kaboodle

Dear Grammie,

Kaboodle left angry tonight. Seems like that happens a lot. I always feel like it's her way or nothing. I feel like if I don't agree with her she will be angry. I hate feeling like that.

Mostly though, I feel like I lost my partner years ago. Working nights was supposed to be temporary until she got better or found a different job. That was around eleven years ago. She says she can't afford to find a different job, but I guess she can sacrifice our relationship. She's always tired and she's depressed. She doesn't eat healthy things and she doesn't wear her CPAP. If she can't be bothered to love herself, how much longer can I stand by and watch? I love her and I watch her throwing it all away. It kills me inside.

We have problems, that's no secret. I don't know what to do about them. I want our relationship to be better, to be happy again. I don't want to always feel like I have to watch what I do and say. It's like one little wrong thing will set her off. That's not healthy. I feel like she always blames my mum for everything instead of listening to me or realizing that some of the life changes are a direct result of her actions or inactions.

I'm seeing a counselor to try and overcome some obstacles in my life, so why won't she? I feel like she's throwing us away by being so stubborn and angry. I feel like she's trying to control me. It seems like it's always an "either or" situation, like her way or forget about it. I just don't understand.

Thank you for listening, Grammie. I miss you so much. I feel so alone without you. Everyone else seems to only love me if I do what they want. You always loved me. I'd better try and sleep now.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and go back to trying my best.

Love you always,
Kit

iChat and Melancholy

Dear Grammie,

 

Logged onto iChat to check screen sharing with Mum's computer and saw your username in the "Offline" section. Unexpected stab in my heart.

 

I miss you terribly, Grammie.

 

Love always,
Kit

Your Little Doxie

Your puppy has been exceptionally good lately. I think the sun and Spring air are doing wonders for her. You can see her getting ready for a nap in my lap. She loves my lap. If I'm not fast enough, she drags her blanket across the house to me and drops it at my feet. You remember how she does that. We always sit together for a little bit in the early afternoon and, of course, in the evening. She waits all day for that. There's nothing like puppy love.

I have been sick for a week now. It's getting silly. I cough and cough. I think the swelling in my tonsils is going down finally. Crazy.

I'm beat, Grammie.

I miss you very much.

Love always,
Kit

Catch Up

 

Dear Grammie,

 

It's been several months since I've written. I'm considering taking this blog down and continuing the journal to you offline. I'm not sure it would feel the same. I know it's probably not possible, but when I put it out there it's almost like you may have a chance to read it. Stupid and illogical, but I can't help it.

We had some very nice weather several weeks ago. You would've loved it. Everything was melting so nicely. Peanut was all happy to lay in the sun. She was less thrilled with going for walks. She went anyway. Doodle always loves walks.

I'm considering going off my antidepressant. It's like I'm numb when I'm on it. Everything is pretty much fine. I only  have blips of feelings that pretty much dissipate a few minutes after feeling them. It's disturbing. I used to draw so much creative energy from my feelings and now there's just not enough. My well has dried up. I don't like the chaos, but I don't like being able to feel anything either. Well, not feel enough. I want to either feel it all, or feel nothing - just not little blips here and there.

I guess I'll think about this blog for awhile yet. Not sure what I'm going to do with it.

I miss you every day.

 

Love you always,

Kit