Craptastic

Dear Grammie,

My house is craptastic. You know how I hate that motion light in the backyard. It always shuts off when you need it on and it doesn't come on when you want it to blah blah. Well, Kaboodle finally agreed to get a regular light and we put it up, and of course the effing thing doesn't work. Pardon my almost-swear. I just get so damn frustrated trying to do anything around here.

First, there's no box at all for the wires. They're just sticking out of a hole in the wall. There's no ground wire either. Of course we needed parts that we didn't have to Kaboodle went to the store and came back and by then it was dark outside. So there I am, trying to hook up a damn light in the dark with a crappy ladder, cold wind and a "helper" that wasn't helping very much. Of course, of course we get the light finally hooked up and screwed back into the wall and when Kaboodle flips the circuit breaker, nothing happens. I suppose the damn thing is wired backwards so that white is hot. Now I'm gonna have to tear it off the wall and re-do it tomorrow. All because this house is a backwards, rickety, junk-filled piece of crap. I'm so frustrated and stressed out I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

I hate it all. I hate everything. I just want to eat apple pie and then go to bed and sleep for days. Of course, I can't do that because there's no headboard. I hate having the bed shoved against the wall. I'm so irritated. I miss you so much and my life is just all pieces.


I miss you, Grammie.

Love you always,
Kit


P.S. - I almost forgot! Your Peanut was outside today in the sunshine and the dog from next door was over. She tried to play with him and the when he was going to play with her she got all chicken and hid under the table. It was really funny. You would've laughed.

Peanut the Barking Dog

Dear Grammie,

I thought I'd drop you a note tonight before I try to sleep. Your little dog has been very barky lately. It's driving me nuts, but I'm trying to stay patient. She really needs to go out for a walk, I think, but it's been so chilly out that she shivers if the space heater isn't on and she isn't wrapped in her blanket. I suppose tomorrow I will bundle her up like a fat, little sausage and take her around the block a couple times.

Mum is coming back next weekend to finish cleaning your house out. I don't know that I can stand that. I dream about you some nights. You come back all vital and happy and we're so happy to see you. Crap, I can't talk about this or I'll bawl.

I went and looked at apartments today. They weren't bad, but you couldn't have a grill there because of their siding. I would want a grill, but I don't suppose it's critical. They just weren't super nice places or anything. The one wasn't too bad, and could be made homey with some love, but man, I just don't know if I could handle apartment living again. Up and down those stairs fifteen times a day with Peanut and Doodis. Not really my idea of fun. Tomorrow I'm going to check out a couple condos in Moorhead. My hopes aren't very high. There's no association so it kind of seems like things may not get done forever. Crappy deal, possibly. It's worth a look, though. So far that duplex Mum and I went to see looks pretty good. Sure there were a few crummy things about it, but nothing major.

I miss you something awful, Grammie. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about all this. You would clear the jumble out of my brains. Oh well. We don't always get what we want, do we? I can wish, though.

I suppose I had better at least try to sleep. I'm low on my liquid magic, so I'm trying to conserve it, especially since Kaboodle discovered it. Guess I can kiss that goodbye. *sigh*

I miss you Grammie.

Love you always,
Kit

Your Phone Number

Dear Grammie,

I called your phone number today to see if Mum had arrived and got the "This number is out of service" recording.

It was a nasty shock.

I've been calling that number for over thirty years. It makes me sick to hear that recording.

I can't even think about it right now. I'll write more later.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Full Disclosure

Dear Grammie,

I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've last written. Things here have been difficult. I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just dive in and see where it leads me.

I can't live with Kaboodle anymore. The hoarding has gotten too difficult for me to deal with. I suppose I shouldn't have let it go on so long, but I didn't really understand what was at hand with her. My hopes of her getting treatment are slim. I know her and her family too well. I can barely stand to be here anymore. I want to put a bullet in my brain then I won't have to deal with it anymore.

I have no where to go now that you're gone. Your house is gone. I'm alone and pretty much hopeless. I can't see a way out of this. Mum said we could find an apartment for me, but all the apartments around here are so cheaply made and crappy that I hate being in them. I hate being surrounded by people that may start my home on fire because they're drunk and stupid. I hate the thought of being in apartment and I hate the thought of being here. I feel like there's just no hope anymore. I'll either be trapped in this pig sty or trapped in some shitty apartment. Pardon the swear, but crappy just wouldn't cut it. I just loathe the idea of living in an apartment beholden to someone else and their candles. Oh, there are more reasons than that, but I can't list them all. I suppose the facts that someone might set it on fire and that it's not mine are the big ones, though. It's like they build the buildings out of cardboard and their kitchens are so cheaply made it makes me cringe to set foot in them.

I did some reading on hoarding at the Mayo Clinic site. The web address is:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hoarding/DS00966

I was saddened to see that hoarding is harder to overcome if an immediate family member exhibits symptoms. Kaboodle's father and brother are hoarders, I believe. I don't expect her to change. I don't expect her to even acknowledge it as a problem. I expect tears and anger and shouting. I'm not usually disappointed. It's like I woke up and discovered I was in some kind of hell.

In addition to our downstairs toilet being broken, the bathroom sink in there is also broken. Kaboodle's friends subcontracted the plumbing to their drunken buddies who thought it would be okay to tape the pipes together instead of cement them. I could just cry. Does she think it's important enough to fix? Nah. Just let it sit there for who knows how long just like the toilet. Can't hardly get to them anyway there's too much junk all over.

Just as an aside, I hate these new Macbook chicklet-style keys. My fingers slip all over them and don't stay on the right keys. Irritating as hell.

I wish you were here. I wish that so much. I need your advice. I need your shoulder. I need your smile. I need a hug. Mum tries to help but she takes so bloody long to do anything I might as well wait for the next ice age. It makes me want to scream. It all makes me want to cry.

There just is no point anymore, Gram. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there's no tunnel either. It feels like I've been buried alive and I'm just inhaling cold soil instead of air. I don't want to dig anymore. I just want to lay down and stop fighting. Stop trying. There's just no way out.

I miss you Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

Just Thinking of You

Dear Grammie,

Just a note to let you know that I'm thinking about you again. I think about you every day. Peanut has been a pretty good girl. You'd be proud of her.

I'll write more later today. Just had trouble sleeping and thought I'd write a short note to say hi.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Snow!

Dear Grammie,

Well, we had our first snow of the season and you missed it! There were really big flakes for awhile and then they got smaller. They mostly melted when they hit the ground, but those that landed on other things hung around for awhile. There were still some on our deck when I took Peanut and Doodis outside for night-night potty. Speaking of potty...

I think Peanut is finally pretty well potty trained. She hasn't had an accident in the house for over a week, and the one "accident" that Kaboodle says she had isn't officially an accident since no one saw it until much later - it could've been her water dish spillage. No one knows for sure, but she hasn't gone potty in that spot again, so I'm dubious that it was an accident.

Peanut and I went for a walk today before the snow started. I put her sweater on and off we went. We went about eight or nine blocks and she was very good on the walk. She only pulled a little toward the end and I suspect it was because she was chilly and thirsty. It was awfully cold out, but when we got home and I took her sweater off, she felt warm to the touch, so I don't think she got chilled. I have that photo of you and her up here on my desk. It's like a little stab in the heart every time I see it. Make no mistake - I do love your little dog. She's my little dog now and I'll take good care of her. Well, she'll always be your little dog too.

Peanut chewed a hole in my sweat pants tonight. I thought she was chewing on her blanket. She does that when she's tired, remember? I remember all the holes in your pants that she chewed. I thought it was funny. It's not that huge of a deal. It's a small hole and I'll sew it up tomorrow. I have to do some dog toy repair too. Thank you for teaching me how to sew. I never knew it would come in this handy.

Did I tell you that I've taken up crocheting again? Well, I have. I didn't realize I'd enjoy it quite so much. I took your knitting needles and crochet hooks home with me and thought maybe I'd start again. Well, I like it. Weird. I decided that maybe I'd crochet a cat hammock. Wiggits likes to lay in folds of cloth so I thought maybe she'd like a cat hammock. I'd hang it from her cat climber and see if she takes a shine to it. She doesn't really need one, but I could practice my various stitches that way.

For some weird reason I thought about that show, "Without a Trace" tonight while I was brushing my teeth. You loved that show and I remember this spring we read it had been cancelled and you were disappointed. Well, here you aren't even here to watch it anyway. Who would've guessed? Every time I see a rerun listed in the guide, I think of you.

My pocket watch is still working well and I still like it. I've taken to wearing my wristwatch while at home because it's hard to carry a pocket watch when you wear sweats. The watch band is too tight though and it bothers me. I have to go to Minnie's house tomorrow and fix her email so I'm going to stop a couple places and see if they have a suitable watch band replacement or something. I could try wearing the digital watch, but I've always had trouble with those.

I had a nice little supper tonight. Soup, cottage cheese, an english muffin, and a glass of milk. You were right about cooking for one and how it's difficult to do. What I had tonight was just right for me. I had to put Peanut in her area while I ate because she keeps trying to stick her nose in my food. She usually quits when I tell her "no", but I wanted her to eat her kibble too. I ate my supper and she ate hers, then back to my lap it was. She's so warm and I miss her when I'm gone a long time. I miss Doodis too, of course.

Well, I suppose I should go to bed. I'm up awfully late tonight, but I've had trouble shutting off my mind lately. I'm not really sure why. I did break down and turn on the furnace today. It was just so cold all day and I couldn't shake the chill. Heck, it's 26º F right now outside! My tomato plants bit the dust last night when it froze but I'm okay with that. I bet you would've broken out your Stay-Puft-O-Pontomous coat. Mum has it now. She needed one, I guess. I don't know what happened to her green Stay-Puft-O-Pontomous coat, but whatever works.

Listen to me babble on! I was never very good at visiting on the telephone, but give me a keyboard and I become shockingly loquacious. No, I haven't had a beer either. Ha-ha.

Really, I'm going to bed now. Really. See? There I go. I'll write soon. Hugs and kisses!

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Of Hamsters and Hibernation

Dear Grammie,

Well, there was sure some excitement tonight. Normally I hear my hamster's wheel going like crazy every time I get up to use the bathroom, but there was nothing tonight. Now, poor little Indi is old so she's been slowing down some, but usually she's running miles at this time of night. I thought I'd better check.

I found her, huddled in her house, barely breathing and cool to the touch. I thought she was dying. I held her in my hand and called the emergency vet. They said that I should bring her in. I did some quick checking of my bank balance on the internet as I got ready to leave. As I was reading, I noticed some activity from the small, furry bundle in my hand. I looked under the washcloth and noticed she had one eye cracked open and was kind of snuffling around. I grabbed the small piece of walnut I had handy and offered it. She took it!!

I immediately ran downstairs and made some sugar water. I also called Kaboodle. She said she'd bring some baby food and Pedialite home. I grabbed a clean Microbrush (one of those little tufted things I use for watercolors) and dipped it in the sugar water and offered it. She licked it off. I gave her more water like this on and off with small chunks of walnut for about an hour all the while holding her. I plugged in the electric blanket and tried to set her in there, but she crawled back into my hand. I decided to just hold her since she seemed to want to be held.

I was so worried! I know she's old, she's just like skin and bones and fur no matter how much I feed her. I got her probably two years ago and they usually don't live past three. Well, I've probably had her more like two and a half years. I can't remember exactly. I'd have to check in my journal, and I don't always write in that, as you know.

I changed her cage stuffing and filled her water bottle with sugar and water solution and I put in a bunch of toilet paper all ripped up so she can make a little nest and then I hauled the whole works downstairs to the TV Room where it's the warmest in the house. Doodis was pretty happy to see me. I cleared everything off my computer table and put her there. She scooted around her cage and checked things out and then even got in her wheel and ran a tiny bit before climbing into her food dish and stuffing her cheeks. I hope she's okay now. She seemed alert and her eyes were open. Her nose was twitching and stuff too.

I think I'm going to run down and check on her. Be right back...

Okay, I'm back, sorry. She's still a little wobbly but I think she'll be okay. I think I startled her a little bit because she squeaked at me when I touched her and she's never done that before. Oops. Sorry, Indi. She went back to her food dish and climbed back in. I don't blame her, I filled that sucker almost to the top. I hope she'll be okay. If I wasn't so incredibly tired, I'd hold her until Kaboodle came home, but I think I'd fall asleep and I certainly don't want to roll over and smoosh her. That would suck the big one. I know she's old and that she probably won't live forever, but I don't want her to die just yet.

Speaking of dying, something is killing off my fish and no, it's not the cats. Most of my angelfish have died and the blood parrot cichlids are sick. My goldfish is also sick. We've put in medicine and moved them out of the tank, so I guess it's the waiting game now. I can't figure out what's up. There have been no new additions to the tank and the tank itself isn't dirty. Maybe the chemical levels are off, but we just did the water change. PetSmart, here I come with a water sample. I don't plan to replace the fish if they die. I think three tanks are too much for us, really. Kaboodle is balking at it, but I'm going to stand firm on this. I'm not going to get another hamster either. I bond to them too much and bawl my fool head off when they die. I think two dogs and two cats are plenty for me. I know you think I'm crazy, and you're right. At least I seem to be able to recognize my limits now. When I was younger I was oblivious. Perhaps some of your wisdom did rub off on me. I'd certainly like to think so!

Well, I suppose I should go since it's really early in the morning and I have yet to see much sleep. I'm sorry if there are a bunch of typos. I probably won't go back and check for them tomorrow, so please forgive me. I'm super sleepy, which is a nice change of pace.

OH! I almost forgot! A friend of D'Nyed is an apprentice tattoo artist so her work is less expensive. I'm going to go check her out and see if I can get the memorial tattoo done for a reasonable price. I'm just not sure where on my body I want to put it. I suppose I should draw it up too before I go. Yeah, yeah I know. I like tattoos though.

Okay, now I'm really going to sign off and go to bed. I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

The Promised Note

Dear Grammie,

Here's the note I promised you:

b#


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, sorry, I just couldn't resist.

I'm watching NCIS right now. We used to watch it together, remember? I miss that.

Peanut is still doing very well with her potty training. I take her out a lot and she almost always goes when she's told. Lots of praise for her when she goes. She's currently sitting at my feet looking up at me waiting for me to pick her up. She may have to stay in her bed though, because she's started barking at Doodis when she comes over for petting. Doodis needs petting too!

Speaking of Doodis, I saw her limping up the back stairs today after going outside for potty. When I looked at her paw, I saw a thorn stuck in her big pad. I pulled it out, of course, and she was so happy. I got lots of waggy tail and puppy smiles. Oh the love in her big brown eyes. It just melts my heart.

Peanut is full of love too. Just the other night, she was sleeping on my lap under her blanket and Bixy came over. He lay down on my lap and partly on top of Peanut's blanket. They lay that way for quite awhile and then Peanut suddenly sensed his presence and peeked her head out from under her blanket. They touched noses and then Peanut lay back down and went to sleep again. It was so cute.

I talked to Dr. Bea about Kaboodle and she thinks that we need to see a therapist. She suspects that Kaboodle suffers from OCD and I'm not surprised. I'm just relieved that it's something that we may be able to work through. I have some hope again. I just don't know how I'm going to approach this with Kaboodle though. Wish me luck.

I've taken up crocheting again. I'm still working to master the half stitch thing. It gets complicated and Peanut likes to sit on my book as well as play with my yarn. She's like Bixy or Wiggits. It's funny.

Well, Peanut is down on the floor crying to come sit in my lap and you know I have a hard time resisting her so I'm going to go sit back in my chair and let her cuddle up in her blanket.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Just a Note Before Bed

Dear Grammie,

I'm headed off to bed shortly but I wanted to drop you a note before I go. I've been having trouble sleeping again and I keep forgetting to take my melatonin. Duh!

Your little dog has been so good about going out to go potty, even in the cold weather. You'd be so proud! I sure am.

Went over to your house and helped Mum finish up the inventories of your china and glassware. You had some really beautiful pieces. I'm keeping a few of the Royal Doulton pieces that remind me of you. Thanks!

Your house seems so dark and empty without you and your furniture in it. It echos and I don't like it. Even Peanut thought it was strange when I brought her over. She stayed in her crate almost the whole time, which is unheard of behavior for her! She didn't even want to play ball. I think she misses you, Grammie.

Speaking of Peanut, I got her new collar in the mail a couple days ago. It's red, just like you wanted. It has her name and our phone number embroidered on it so she doesn't have to wear her tags all the time. That should really cut down on the welts she gets from the metal. I think if she had more fur then the metal wouldn't irritate her skin so much, but alas, she is a shorty-fur dog. I'll still clip her tags to her when she's outside and when we go in the car. I'm going to call the vet in the next couple days and make an appointment for her to be chipped like my other dog and the cats. I don't want to lose little Peanut.

Mum made it back to the City okay. It was late, but she made it safely, which was what I was worried about. There are still a few things left at your house, but she'll be back in a few weeks and we'll finish then. I'm kind of kicking myself for not taking your house when I had the chance. At least we wouldn't have had to rush so much. I guess that's just life, though.

I'll write more tomorrow, I promise. I'm just so tired now and chilled from sitting outside waiting for Peanut to go potty. I've never seen a dog take so long to do her business! We're gonna freeze this winter!

I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Skinned Knees and Poo on the Floor

Dear Grammie,

It's been a couple of days so I thought I should drop you a note. I've been hanging in there, but it's been tough. I can't deal with the clutter anymore and Kaboodle won't let me throw things away. I sure wanted your advice yesterday. I needed your words of wisdom.

Last night it started raining and thundering. Peanut was afraid, but after awhile she calmed down. I just held her in her dog blanket until she stopped shaking. Later, before it was time for bed, I took her outside for potty and as I was going down the stairs, I slipped or stepped on that part of the broken stair, or something and before I knew it, I was falling. I twisted so I landed on my right knee and hand since I was holding Peanut in my left. She was unhurt, but I was injured. I didn't realize how much until I got back inside, but before that, I sat on the picnic table, in the rain, and cried a little bit. I cried for you and for me and for the state of my life. How did things get like this?

After the dogs finished their potty, we went back inside and I tucked them into their dog beds. Then I saw my injuries. Nothing too serious, but it did require some first aid. I tore a fingernail away from the quick and I skinned both my knees. The left one was small and hardly bleeding but the left looks like meatloaf...the food, not the singer. I washed it, put some stuff on it and then discovered I couldn't find any gauze. Really? Sheesh. I found a clean rag and some large band-aids and improvised. It still hurts pretty good today. It stings. Yes, Gram, I changed the bandage earlier. You taught me well. Hmm? Yep, going to let some air at it tonight while I sleep. Can't bang it against furniture in bed.

Peanut has been a very good girl lately. She asked to go outside to go potty today! Can you believe it? It was raining too, and yes, she did actually go outside and go potty! Later, she pooped on the floor though. Not a giant, scary poo, just a little poo and I forgave the oops...it is cold outside and it was pouring rain and she did wee outside, so one little bitty poo isn't something to stroke out over. I cleaned it up and then she came and sat in my lap for awhile. She was tired and cranky though, so I put her to bed.

Mum and I went out to one of your favorite dining spots tonight but neither of us ordered the Asian Chicken Salad that you liked so well. We split an appetizer and then I had a small cheeseburger and some coleslaw. It was tasty. I liked your coleslaw better, but this was okay. Mum had a beer and we missed you very much.

I miss talking to you and asking your thoughts and opinions on things. I miss seeing you smile and making you laugh. It's like there is this big, empty spot inside me that's all dark and cold now. I suppose time will dull that pain and I will find a new normal, but right now it still sneaks up on me and spits in my face. Just for a moment last night, as I sat in the cold rain, I felt hopeless and wondered why I bothered to go on since life had suddenly become pointless. Then, a small, cold, wet nose nudged my leg and another cold, wet nose snuffled my hand and I remembered that these two dogs loved me with their whole hearts, just like you did, and that giving up was not only shameful, but simply not an option. You told me once that when you feel like you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up. I'm trying to go up now, Grammie. It's not easy and I feel weighed down and held back, but I'm not going to give up.

I suppose I should stop now before I write myself into a case of the sobs. I just miss you so much - more than I've ever missed anyone human. It's an odd feeling Grammie and I don't really know how to cope with it. I feel almost mildly panicked. Damn, I looked up to collect my thoughts and there was your photo. I miss you so. Okay, I'm getting close to sobbing now so I have to stop. I'm not even going to proof read this for typos. Typos be damned. Maybe I'll check it tomorrow. I guess I'll try to sleep to the sound of the rain. Goodnight, Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit