Skinned Knees and Poo on the Floor

Dear Grammie,

It's been a couple of days so I thought I should drop you a note. I've been hanging in there, but it's been tough. I can't deal with the clutter anymore and Kaboodle won't let me throw things away. I sure wanted your advice yesterday. I needed your words of wisdom.

Last night it started raining and thundering. Peanut was afraid, but after awhile she calmed down. I just held her in her dog blanket until she stopped shaking. Later, before it was time for bed, I took her outside for potty and as I was going down the stairs, I slipped or stepped on that part of the broken stair, or something and before I knew it, I was falling. I twisted so I landed on my right knee and hand since I was holding Peanut in my left. She was unhurt, but I was injured. I didn't realize how much until I got back inside, but before that, I sat on the picnic table, in the rain, and cried a little bit. I cried for you and for me and for the state of my life. How did things get like this?

After the dogs finished their potty, we went back inside and I tucked them into their dog beds. Then I saw my injuries. Nothing too serious, but it did require some first aid. I tore a fingernail away from the quick and I skinned both my knees. The left one was small and hardly bleeding but the left looks like meatloaf...the food, not the singer. I washed it, put some stuff on it and then discovered I couldn't find any gauze. Really? Sheesh. I found a clean rag and some large band-aids and improvised. It still hurts pretty good today. It stings. Yes, Gram, I changed the bandage earlier. You taught me well. Hmm? Yep, going to let some air at it tonight while I sleep. Can't bang it against furniture in bed.

Peanut has been a very good girl lately. She asked to go outside to go potty today! Can you believe it? It was raining too, and yes, she did actually go outside and go potty! Later, she pooped on the floor though. Not a giant, scary poo, just a little poo and I forgave the oops...it is cold outside and it was pouring rain and she did wee outside, so one little bitty poo isn't something to stroke out over. I cleaned it up and then she came and sat in my lap for awhile. She was tired and cranky though, so I put her to bed.

Mum and I went out to one of your favorite dining spots tonight but neither of us ordered the Asian Chicken Salad that you liked so well. We split an appetizer and then I had a small cheeseburger and some coleslaw. It was tasty. I liked your coleslaw better, but this was okay. Mum had a beer and we missed you very much.

I miss talking to you and asking your thoughts and opinions on things. I miss seeing you smile and making you laugh. It's like there is this big, empty spot inside me that's all dark and cold now. I suppose time will dull that pain and I will find a new normal, but right now it still sneaks up on me and spits in my face. Just for a moment last night, as I sat in the cold rain, I felt hopeless and wondered why I bothered to go on since life had suddenly become pointless. Then, a small, cold, wet nose nudged my leg and another cold, wet nose snuffled my hand and I remembered that these two dogs loved me with their whole hearts, just like you did, and that giving up was not only shameful, but simply not an option. You told me once that when you feel like you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up. I'm trying to go up now, Grammie. It's not easy and I feel weighed down and held back, but I'm not going to give up.

I suppose I should stop now before I write myself into a case of the sobs. I just miss you so much - more than I've ever missed anyone human. It's an odd feeling Grammie and I don't really know how to cope with it. I feel almost mildly panicked. Damn, I looked up to collect my thoughts and there was your photo. I miss you so. Okay, I'm getting close to sobbing now so I have to stop. I'm not even going to proof read this for typos. Typos be damned. Maybe I'll check it tomorrow. I guess I'll try to sleep to the sound of the rain. Goodnight, Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit