Heartbreak

Dear Grammie,

I was updating Mum's computer tonight after our small birthday celebration and I opened her iPhoto for some reason and there was your picture. I looked at all the pictures of you and I could hardly breathe. My heart was heavy in my chest. I can't believe you're gone. Seeing you and me in your house was almost too much to bear. I can't think of you as gone for the rest of my life. I have to think of you as on a long vacation somewhere without postal service or telephones. I don't think my mind or heart could stand to think of it as anything else.

I'm going to look at headstones for you tomorrow. How morbid is that? Pretty morbid, considering I can't think of you as deceased. I know you're gone in my head, but my heart can't think of you that way.

Crap, this stinks.

I miss you something awful, Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

Melancholy and Infinite Sadness

Dear Grammie,

I think about you every day it seems and miss you more each time. I couldn't sleep last night and I kept thinking of you and your last moments here. I wasn't with you at the very end and it just kills me inside. I should've been there.

I sit here at 11:46 PM two days before my birthday and I realize I'm depressed. Kaboodle is sleeping in her chair, what a surprise, and the dogs are cooped up again. She only wakes up to yell at Peanut. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream and cannot wake. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do something to change it, but my hands are tied.

My head is messed up and I don't know how to fix it. I go through the motions of being fine everyday, but I'm not. It's like my life is slipping through my fingers and the chaos is sucking me down into the depths of despair.

Grammie, I miss you terribly. You were always my light when the darkness encroached upon my world. Now there is no light to follow, no light to see, no light to give me the strength I need to hang in there. I am lost. I'm trying to be my own light, but I don't know how and I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to fail at yet another thing and one so very important to me. I know you're gone, but if you can hear me, please, give me strength to make it through this darkness.


Love you always,
Kit

Be Proud of Your Peanut

Dear Grammie,

You should be so proud of your little Peanut. It's currently -4º outside and Peanut goes out and goes potty like a good puppy. She goes fast, but she goes.

Yes, I carry her out to her potty spot every time. I think she'd get too cold walking to it, doing her doggy business, and then walking back. She has such short fur and a naked little pink tummy.

She's so good. She hasn't had an accident in months. I'm so proud of her!

Just wanted to let you know that you can be proud of her.

I miss you Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit