Melancholy and Infinite Sadness

Dear Grammie,

I think about you every day it seems and miss you more each time. I couldn't sleep last night and I kept thinking of you and your last moments here. I wasn't with you at the very end and it just kills me inside. I should've been there.

I sit here at 11:46 PM two days before my birthday and I realize I'm depressed. Kaboodle is sleeping in her chair, what a surprise, and the dogs are cooped up again. She only wakes up to yell at Peanut. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream and cannot wake. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do something to change it, but my hands are tied.

My head is messed up and I don't know how to fix it. I go through the motions of being fine everyday, but I'm not. It's like my life is slipping through my fingers and the chaos is sucking me down into the depths of despair.

Grammie, I miss you terribly. You were always my light when the darkness encroached upon my world. Now there is no light to follow, no light to see, no light to give me the strength I need to hang in there. I am lost. I'm trying to be my own light, but I don't know how and I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to fail at yet another thing and one so very important to me. I know you're gone, but if you can hear me, please, give me strength to make it through this darkness.


Love you always,
Kit