Disappointment and Mum

Dear Grammie,

Just dropping you a note to let you know that I've pretty much given up looking for a place of my own. I found the perfect house but, as usual, Mum wasn't happy with one small part of it and nixed the whole idea. Never-mind that it wasn't her house and that she probably wouldn't be living there full-time.

It so often seems this way with her. She promises things and then goes back on them. The last time she actually followed through was the kitchen. She said she was going to use the tree money to pay off my student load, but did she? Nope. There have been many other things throughout the years. I guess it's just typical. I could probably think of more examples, but I'm tired and upset.

I did some reading and I think this describes Mum:

"Self-deprivation can have dire consequences on family relationships when the depriver [Mum} expects others to do without or when they control family relationships by withholding money. The emphasis is mine. She certainly withholds money unless things get done her way. I've decided that there's nothing I can do about that and I'll just have to figure things out on my own. Times will be tough and things will be lean around here, but I'm committed to getting through it without asking for help.

"For example, the depriver delays or makes a fuss about necessary purchases such as school supplies, even though there's enough money, leaving his or her children feeling deprived, abnormal, and neglected. Again, the emphasis is mine. Growing up, I always felt secondary to money. Even now, I feel like Mum doesn't want to spend much money to help me. I loved that house and she knew it. I just think she couldn't bear to spend the money on it. It seems like she does this all the time. I keep hoping that she won't pull the rug out from under me this time. Maybe this time will be different. It never is though, Grammie.

Kaboodle and I had a long talk and she's willing to get help and do whatever she can to make things better and more functional around here. It's going to be really hard to dig our way out of this hole, but I'm going to give it all I can. I'm taking over the money-management and the bill-paying. I've already got a system set up and ready to go. We're getting rid of Direc-TV because it's too expensive and it's full of commercials anyway. We're going to stop eating out so much and start cooking at home more. I plan to keep a pretty tight fist on the checkbook.

I don't know what else to tell you, Grammie. I'm just so tired tonight. I don't know what my problem is. I'm also so disappointed in Mum. I guess I just can't believe in her anymore. It breaks my heart to have to let my hopes die, but it's what I have to do.

I miss you so much Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

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Quotes were taken from the book, "Spent" by Sally Palaian, Ph.D.

My Decision Has Been Made

Dear Grammie,

I know I wrote a whopper last night and I'm sorry to lay so much on you all at once. It's tough when a person doesn't really have anyone they can talk to about this stuff. I can't talk to my best friend, because it's about my best friend. Frustrating.

Tomorrow I am planning to meet with my realtor and put earnest money down and make an offer on the little house. I hope they accept my offer, or at least counter with a reasonable one. I know it's going to break Kaboodle's heart, and mine is already breaking but one must do what needs to be done. You said that I'm a survivor and if that means acting like a cold-hearted bitch, no matter how much it hurts inside, then I guess that's what needs to be done.

I must not falter in this because I truly feel that my sanity and my very life depend on it. If I couldn't leave here I think I would go insane. Insane or put a bullet in my head. I do not want either of those choices. I must do this for my own sanity. I will do this for my own sanity and Heaven help anyone who gets in my way. Sounds vicious, doesn't it? I don't mean to, but I will survive, by any means necessary. To do anything else would be to dishonor your memory and all the love and support you gave me for so many years when I couldn't love or support myself.

Losing you changed me. It's sharpened my survival instinct. It's made me realize that I want things that I don't have. Well, not just want them, but need them. You were my rock. You were always there, even when you were out of town. I knew that you would love me and listen to me and anything else I needed. Now you're not here anymore and I realize that I must provide most of my rock for myself. Mum will help, of course, but when I need to get out of the chaos that my life is currently drowning in, I can't go anywhere anymore. You and your house are gone. I need that stability and that peace and it's not here and I doubt it will ever be here. That's not how Kaboodle lives. Kaboodle has never lived that way, as a matter of fact, as long as I can remember. Run, run, run. Chaos. It was fun and exciting at first. New experiences, new adventures were around every corner. After this long, it's just tiring and old and stressful. I'm just not made to handle it. I don't begrudge Kaboodle that lifestyle, but it's just not something I can physically or emotionally do anymore.

There are so many things I wish I could change about this situation. I won't list them here, because I can't change them and there's no point dwelling on them. I may as well go try to fill up a strainer by spitting in it. All I would have is a spitty strainer that needs washing. Pointless.

Do I do anything but whine in these letters? "Now seating the Pity Party for one." Sheesh. Sorry, Grammie.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired. Got woken up early by Kaboodle's snoring. Why even have a C-Pap machine if you're not going to wear it?! Annoying and illogical.

Hopefully I'll have good news tonight. Well, at least interesting news.

Miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Mum's Birthday and More!

Dear Grammie,

It has been awhile hasn't it? I've been very busy and haven't had time to write, but I've thought of you so often. So many times in these past days I've wished you were here to give me some of your wisdom.

As you well know, today is Mum's birthday. 9 November! Not too long after yours...not even two entire months have passed. We have a lot to catch up on!

I met the lady who bought your house. She was very nice and quite excited to have her own place. She was probably Mum's age or so. She seemed really happy and that made it not suck quite as much as it did before. I think it will always be your home though, no matter what. She said I could come by and visit whenever I wanted, but I'm not sure if she was saying that to be nice or if she really meant it. Humans are difficult to read.

Mum and I have been house shopping. I believe that we've found my little house! We haven't made an offer yet, but hopefully will tomorrow. I'm torn up about Kaboodle though. I don't want to break-up but I just cannot continue to live here. It became very clear to me when we looked at a country property and Kaboodle just loved it and I did not. I didn't even really like it. It was poorly laid-out and there was an incredible amount of wasted space and pointless rooms. Don't even get me started on the stairs! I'm not getting any younger and my knees aren't very good even now! The yard was huge and Kaboodle can't keep this yard looking decent - there would be no hope for that one.

I also discovered I don't want anyone wearing shoes in the house and I don't want my garage filled with saws and ladders and rototillers and 90 gallons of nails among tons of other crap. I don't want yards of lumber and plywood and insulation. I want a garage with a small work area and then lots of space for my car. The small work area wouldn't even be really necessary since there is one in the basement of this house. Maybe just a little room to store my lawnmower and snowblower. The driveway is big enough to warrant a snowblower. The garage isn't attached, but it's very close to the house and it's possible a breezeway could be constructed at some point. I'm not planning on constructing one though.

I wish Kaboodle would be happy for me, but I know that's impossible. It's clear to me that our lifestyles are now too different to co-exist peacefully. I'd still like to be a couple, but I think that will be hard to do. I'm willing to put in the effort though. I wish I could have your advice, Grammie. I want a home that's neat, clean, tidy, and peaceful. I think I can have that...but not with Kaboodle. That's just not how Kaboodle lives - by choice or otherwise, I don't know. I just know it to be true.

I drove by your house the other evening and the new lady had the lights on. It looks like she had moved in some of her furniture. It was bittersweet. I was sad because it wasn't you in there but a little happy because she was so happy to be there. Anytime there was a light on it meant you were there and now it doesn't.

I have nightmares sometimes, Grammie, that your house is being trashed. It enrages me and I wake up shaking and furious. I don't like those dreams. I like the ones of you when you come back and hug me or smile. I miss you so much. It's like this giant hole inside my heart. I realized today that I can't stay in this town. I have to move across the river to the other town. There aren't memories of you everywhere I turn over there. Obviously that's not the only reason I'm moving but it does play a small part.

Peanut has been a very good girl lately. She's been asking to go outside for potty-time. She's been laying in her bed instead of jumping up all the time. She eats her food at meal time and enjoys her rawhide chews. We go for walks and she walks very nicely. Thank you for entrusting her to me. I love her very much.

I suppose I should sign off for tonight. It's late and I have to be up earlier than usual in case we make an offer on the little house. Mum left me a check for earnest money and I will need to deliver it to our realtor. I'm very excited! I think you'd like it a lot.

I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit