My Decision Has Been Made

Dear Grammie,

I know I wrote a whopper last night and I'm sorry to lay so much on you all at once. It's tough when a person doesn't really have anyone they can talk to about this stuff. I can't talk to my best friend, because it's about my best friend. Frustrating.

Tomorrow I am planning to meet with my realtor and put earnest money down and make an offer on the little house. I hope they accept my offer, or at least counter with a reasonable one. I know it's going to break Kaboodle's heart, and mine is already breaking but one must do what needs to be done. You said that I'm a survivor and if that means acting like a cold-hearted bitch, no matter how much it hurts inside, then I guess that's what needs to be done.

I must not falter in this because I truly feel that my sanity and my very life depend on it. If I couldn't leave here I think I would go insane. Insane or put a bullet in my head. I do not want either of those choices. I must do this for my own sanity. I will do this for my own sanity and Heaven help anyone who gets in my way. Sounds vicious, doesn't it? I don't mean to, but I will survive, by any means necessary. To do anything else would be to dishonor your memory and all the love and support you gave me for so many years when I couldn't love or support myself.

Losing you changed me. It's sharpened my survival instinct. It's made me realize that I want things that I don't have. Well, not just want them, but need them. You were my rock. You were always there, even when you were out of town. I knew that you would love me and listen to me and anything else I needed. Now you're not here anymore and I realize that I must provide most of my rock for myself. Mum will help, of course, but when I need to get out of the chaos that my life is currently drowning in, I can't go anywhere anymore. You and your house are gone. I need that stability and that peace and it's not here and I doubt it will ever be here. That's not how Kaboodle lives. Kaboodle has never lived that way, as a matter of fact, as long as I can remember. Run, run, run. Chaos. It was fun and exciting at first. New experiences, new adventures were around every corner. After this long, it's just tiring and old and stressful. I'm just not made to handle it. I don't begrudge Kaboodle that lifestyle, but it's just not something I can physically or emotionally do anymore.

There are so many things I wish I could change about this situation. I won't list them here, because I can't change them and there's no point dwelling on them. I may as well go try to fill up a strainer by spitting in it. All I would have is a spitty strainer that needs washing. Pointless.

Do I do anything but whine in these letters? "Now seating the Pity Party for one." Sheesh. Sorry, Grammie.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired. Got woken up early by Kaboodle's snoring. Why even have a C-Pap machine if you're not going to wear it?! Annoying and illogical.

Hopefully I'll have good news tonight. Well, at least interesting news.

Miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit