Disappointment and Mum

Dear Grammie,

Just dropping you a note to let you know that I've pretty much given up looking for a place of my own. I found the perfect house but, as usual, Mum wasn't happy with one small part of it and nixed the whole idea. Never-mind that it wasn't her house and that she probably wouldn't be living there full-time.

It so often seems this way with her. She promises things and then goes back on them. The last time she actually followed through was the kitchen. She said she was going to use the tree money to pay off my student load, but did she? Nope. There have been many other things throughout the years. I guess it's just typical. I could probably think of more examples, but I'm tired and upset.

I did some reading and I think this describes Mum:

"Self-deprivation can have dire consequences on family relationships when the depriver [Mum} expects others to do without or when they control family relationships by withholding money. The emphasis is mine. She certainly withholds money unless things get done her way. I've decided that there's nothing I can do about that and I'll just have to figure things out on my own. Times will be tough and things will be lean around here, but I'm committed to getting through it without asking for help.

"For example, the depriver delays or makes a fuss about necessary purchases such as school supplies, even though there's enough money, leaving his or her children feeling deprived, abnormal, and neglected. Again, the emphasis is mine. Growing up, I always felt secondary to money. Even now, I feel like Mum doesn't want to spend much money to help me. I loved that house and she knew it. I just think she couldn't bear to spend the money on it. It seems like she does this all the time. I keep hoping that she won't pull the rug out from under me this time. Maybe this time will be different. It never is though, Grammie.

Kaboodle and I had a long talk and she's willing to get help and do whatever she can to make things better and more functional around here. It's going to be really hard to dig our way out of this hole, but I'm going to give it all I can. I'm taking over the money-management and the bill-paying. I've already got a system set up and ready to go. We're getting rid of Direc-TV because it's too expensive and it's full of commercials anyway. We're going to stop eating out so much and start cooking at home more. I plan to keep a pretty tight fist on the checkbook.

I don't know what else to tell you, Grammie. I'm just so tired tonight. I don't know what my problem is. I'm also so disappointed in Mum. I guess I just can't believe in her anymore. It breaks my heart to have to let my hopes die, but it's what I have to do.

I miss you so much Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

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Quotes were taken from the book, "Spent" by Sally Palaian, Ph.D.