It Was a Good Day Until It Wasn't Anymore

Dear Grammie,

Kaboodle took me to see Avatar today and then out for Thai food. It was wonderful until everyone got attitude. Mum called about a house and she called way too many times and Kaboodle said that Mum was acting like a jealous/abusive husband always having to know where I am and what I'm doing. It makes me feel like barfing because it's kind of true and now I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stay here and I don't know if I dare go.

I feel like crying and just crawling into bed and not getting out...ever. I feel like everyone is using me for whatever they want. It's like I'm caught in a power struggle between Kaboodle and Mum and I don't like it! I want to be free of all this bullshit that surrounds me and is constantly invading my life.

What do I want?

I want my own small house fixed the way I like it and want it.

I want a small yard for my dogs.

I want my own bank account with no one interfering.

I want a small car that works well and can sit in the garage when I'm not using it.

I want to be able to write when I want to write.

I want to live my own life and not someone else's life.

I want peace and routine without disruptions constantly.

I want NO drama whatsoever in my life.

I want no one trying to manipulate me or guilt me into anything.

I want NO strings attached to things "given" to me.


That's what I want, Grammie. I just don't know how to get it. I keep praying for a pandemic, but it's just not happening. Did you ever wonder why I loved movies that depicted the end of the world as we know it? I love them so much because they put an end to all the noise and bullshit of this world and leave quiet and peace. No one wanting you to go here or do that or HURRY UP AND DECIDE or blah blah blah blah blah. I am so incredibly sick of everyone else's demands on my time and my peace. I'm not anyone's property and I'll thank everyone to remember that.

You need me? Call once...ONCE...and leave a message. If I don't get back to you right away, that means I'm busy. Stop calling and making a huge fuss when whatever is so damn important will turn into a big, fat nothing anyway. "Oh we have GOT to SEE this house!" After we see it Mum won't want it for some stupid, piddling little reason anyway. It's not like she's going to be living there full-time anyway. I just don't understand. I suppose if she reads this I'll get some long, rambling email detailing every little flaw with every house we've looked at and I don't want that. It's just annoying.

There, done venting. I'm sad too because I liked the little 6th street house. I liked the north side house too. I suppose I'll get stuck in some house that I don't really like and that has a dumb layout and is stuck in a neighborhood that I don't really like just because it has "the work done already" or is "the most house for the money". I guess I'm just glad that I might finally have a small house to call my own. Gift horses and all that.

I think I'm just feeling hopeless and depressed.

Thank you for listening Grammie and I miss you even more than I did before.


Love you always,
Kit

Kaboodle Pulls a Flo

Dear Grammie,

We were hanging out watching "The Munsters" tonight when the power went off. We went and sat out in the living room with Doodle and goofed around a little bit. Kaboodle was talking to Doodle and kept cocking her head. Suddenly Kaboodle says, "Oh, that was a big cock!"

Naturally, I practically wet my pants laughing. Seems Doodle really cocked her head at something. You would've laughed and laughed too, Grammie. It was hilarious.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Almost Every Time

Dear Grammie,

Almost every time I think Kaboodle and I can work it out something is said or happens that slaps me in the face.

It breaks my heart.

Tonight I said that I wished Kaboodle wouldn't yell at Peanut (or any of the other animals for that matter) and she snips at me, "Well you spoil the p*ss out of her!" What, may I ask, has that got to do with her always yelling at the animals? Yes, I spoil Peanut, and I spoil the other animals too. I don't yell at them because I spoil them. I don't understand the relationship between the two statements.

Frankly, I'm tired of the yelling, I'm tired of the disagreements (I seem to be wrong all the time) and I'm tired of the profanity and casual vulgarity. Language is poetry.

It makes me sad and distresses me. I'll have to write more later because I'm too upset to think clearly.

I miss you, Grammie.

Love you always,
Kit

Giant Updates

Dear Grammie,

Sorry it has been so long since I've written. Things have been happening so quickly around here that I just haven't had a chance to sit down and write. Not sure where to begin, either so it may be a little rambling.

As you know, I've been house-hunting. I've made offers on two houses and both times the deals have fell through. It varies as to why, but maybe I'm not supposed to move. I'm starting to wonder.

We've cancelled our DirecTV. I'm so sick of endless commercials that I don't even want to watch broadcast television anymore. We got Netflix now and we watch the streaming service. I love it! Sure the choices aren't as wide as I'd like, but I've found plenty to watch and it's all commercial free!! Whoohooo!

Winter finally arrived with gusto. It's currently -2ºF outside right now. Peanut has been such a good little girl about going outside to potty. I left her free in the TV Room last night when I went to bed. She was curled up in her dog bed sleeping. She went the whole night without having to go potty and there were no accidents. I'm so proud.

That's weird...my computer just made a rooster sound. What the hell? I guess I'll investigate later.

I had something wrong with my eye yesterday and went to the Clinic where you used to work and saw a doctor there. She said she was sorry to hear that you had passed away. It made me miss you even worse than before. I remember going up there with you when I was a little kid. This sucks, Grammie. I miss you so much.

I think I'd better sign off for now because I'm getting all choked up.

I miss you Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Disappointment and Mum

Dear Grammie,

Just dropping you a note to let you know that I've pretty much given up looking for a place of my own. I found the perfect house but, as usual, Mum wasn't happy with one small part of it and nixed the whole idea. Never-mind that it wasn't her house and that she probably wouldn't be living there full-time.

It so often seems this way with her. She promises things and then goes back on them. The last time she actually followed through was the kitchen. She said she was going to use the tree money to pay off my student load, but did she? Nope. There have been many other things throughout the years. I guess it's just typical. I could probably think of more examples, but I'm tired and upset.

I did some reading and I think this describes Mum:

"Self-deprivation can have dire consequences on family relationships when the depriver [Mum} expects others to do without or when they control family relationships by withholding money. The emphasis is mine. She certainly withholds money unless things get done her way. I've decided that there's nothing I can do about that and I'll just have to figure things out on my own. Times will be tough and things will be lean around here, but I'm committed to getting through it without asking for help.

"For example, the depriver delays or makes a fuss about necessary purchases such as school supplies, even though there's enough money, leaving his or her children feeling deprived, abnormal, and neglected. Again, the emphasis is mine. Growing up, I always felt secondary to money. Even now, I feel like Mum doesn't want to spend much money to help me. I loved that house and she knew it. I just think she couldn't bear to spend the money on it. It seems like she does this all the time. I keep hoping that she won't pull the rug out from under me this time. Maybe this time will be different. It never is though, Grammie.

Kaboodle and I had a long talk and she's willing to get help and do whatever she can to make things better and more functional around here. It's going to be really hard to dig our way out of this hole, but I'm going to give it all I can. I'm taking over the money-management and the bill-paying. I've already got a system set up and ready to go. We're getting rid of Direc-TV because it's too expensive and it's full of commercials anyway. We're going to stop eating out so much and start cooking at home more. I plan to keep a pretty tight fist on the checkbook.

I don't know what else to tell you, Grammie. I'm just so tired tonight. I don't know what my problem is. I'm also so disappointed in Mum. I guess I just can't believe in her anymore. It breaks my heart to have to let my hopes die, but it's what I have to do.

I miss you so much Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

---

Quotes were taken from the book, "Spent" by Sally Palaian, Ph.D.

My Decision Has Been Made

Dear Grammie,

I know I wrote a whopper last night and I'm sorry to lay so much on you all at once. It's tough when a person doesn't really have anyone they can talk to about this stuff. I can't talk to my best friend, because it's about my best friend. Frustrating.

Tomorrow I am planning to meet with my realtor and put earnest money down and make an offer on the little house. I hope they accept my offer, or at least counter with a reasonable one. I know it's going to break Kaboodle's heart, and mine is already breaking but one must do what needs to be done. You said that I'm a survivor and if that means acting like a cold-hearted bitch, no matter how much it hurts inside, then I guess that's what needs to be done.

I must not falter in this because I truly feel that my sanity and my very life depend on it. If I couldn't leave here I think I would go insane. Insane or put a bullet in my head. I do not want either of those choices. I must do this for my own sanity. I will do this for my own sanity and Heaven help anyone who gets in my way. Sounds vicious, doesn't it? I don't mean to, but I will survive, by any means necessary. To do anything else would be to dishonor your memory and all the love and support you gave me for so many years when I couldn't love or support myself.

Losing you changed me. It's sharpened my survival instinct. It's made me realize that I want things that I don't have. Well, not just want them, but need them. You were my rock. You were always there, even when you were out of town. I knew that you would love me and listen to me and anything else I needed. Now you're not here anymore and I realize that I must provide most of my rock for myself. Mum will help, of course, but when I need to get out of the chaos that my life is currently drowning in, I can't go anywhere anymore. You and your house are gone. I need that stability and that peace and it's not here and I doubt it will ever be here. That's not how Kaboodle lives. Kaboodle has never lived that way, as a matter of fact, as long as I can remember. Run, run, run. Chaos. It was fun and exciting at first. New experiences, new adventures were around every corner. After this long, it's just tiring and old and stressful. I'm just not made to handle it. I don't begrudge Kaboodle that lifestyle, but it's just not something I can physically or emotionally do anymore.

There are so many things I wish I could change about this situation. I won't list them here, because I can't change them and there's no point dwelling on them. I may as well go try to fill up a strainer by spitting in it. All I would have is a spitty strainer that needs washing. Pointless.

Do I do anything but whine in these letters? "Now seating the Pity Party for one." Sheesh. Sorry, Grammie.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired. Got woken up early by Kaboodle's snoring. Why even have a C-Pap machine if you're not going to wear it?! Annoying and illogical.

Hopefully I'll have good news tonight. Well, at least interesting news.

Miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Mum's Birthday and More!

Dear Grammie,

It has been awhile hasn't it? I've been very busy and haven't had time to write, but I've thought of you so often. So many times in these past days I've wished you were here to give me some of your wisdom.

As you well know, today is Mum's birthday. 9 November! Not too long after yours...not even two entire months have passed. We have a lot to catch up on!

I met the lady who bought your house. She was very nice and quite excited to have her own place. She was probably Mum's age or so. She seemed really happy and that made it not suck quite as much as it did before. I think it will always be your home though, no matter what. She said I could come by and visit whenever I wanted, but I'm not sure if she was saying that to be nice or if she really meant it. Humans are difficult to read.

Mum and I have been house shopping. I believe that we've found my little house! We haven't made an offer yet, but hopefully will tomorrow. I'm torn up about Kaboodle though. I don't want to break-up but I just cannot continue to live here. It became very clear to me when we looked at a country property and Kaboodle just loved it and I did not. I didn't even really like it. It was poorly laid-out and there was an incredible amount of wasted space and pointless rooms. Don't even get me started on the stairs! I'm not getting any younger and my knees aren't very good even now! The yard was huge and Kaboodle can't keep this yard looking decent - there would be no hope for that one.

I also discovered I don't want anyone wearing shoes in the house and I don't want my garage filled with saws and ladders and rototillers and 90 gallons of nails among tons of other crap. I don't want yards of lumber and plywood and insulation. I want a garage with a small work area and then lots of space for my car. The small work area wouldn't even be really necessary since there is one in the basement of this house. Maybe just a little room to store my lawnmower and snowblower. The driveway is big enough to warrant a snowblower. The garage isn't attached, but it's very close to the house and it's possible a breezeway could be constructed at some point. I'm not planning on constructing one though.

I wish Kaboodle would be happy for me, but I know that's impossible. It's clear to me that our lifestyles are now too different to co-exist peacefully. I'd still like to be a couple, but I think that will be hard to do. I'm willing to put in the effort though. I wish I could have your advice, Grammie. I want a home that's neat, clean, tidy, and peaceful. I think I can have that...but not with Kaboodle. That's just not how Kaboodle lives - by choice or otherwise, I don't know. I just know it to be true.

I drove by your house the other evening and the new lady had the lights on. It looks like she had moved in some of her furniture. It was bittersweet. I was sad because it wasn't you in there but a little happy because she was so happy to be there. Anytime there was a light on it meant you were there and now it doesn't.

I have nightmares sometimes, Grammie, that your house is being trashed. It enrages me and I wake up shaking and furious. I don't like those dreams. I like the ones of you when you come back and hug me or smile. I miss you so much. It's like this giant hole inside my heart. I realized today that I can't stay in this town. I have to move across the river to the other town. There aren't memories of you everywhere I turn over there. Obviously that's not the only reason I'm moving but it does play a small part.

Peanut has been a very good girl lately. She's been asking to go outside for potty-time. She's been laying in her bed instead of jumping up all the time. She eats her food at meal time and enjoys her rawhide chews. We go for walks and she walks very nicely. Thank you for entrusting her to me. I love her very much.

I suppose I should sign off for tonight. It's late and I have to be up earlier than usual in case we make an offer on the little house. Mum left me a check for earnest money and I will need to deliver it to our realtor. I'm very excited! I think you'd like it a lot.

I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Craptastic

Dear Grammie,

My house is craptastic. You know how I hate that motion light in the backyard. It always shuts off when you need it on and it doesn't come on when you want it to blah blah. Well, Kaboodle finally agreed to get a regular light and we put it up, and of course the effing thing doesn't work. Pardon my almost-swear. I just get so damn frustrated trying to do anything around here.

First, there's no box at all for the wires. They're just sticking out of a hole in the wall. There's no ground wire either. Of course we needed parts that we didn't have to Kaboodle went to the store and came back and by then it was dark outside. So there I am, trying to hook up a damn light in the dark with a crappy ladder, cold wind and a "helper" that wasn't helping very much. Of course, of course we get the light finally hooked up and screwed back into the wall and when Kaboodle flips the circuit breaker, nothing happens. I suppose the damn thing is wired backwards so that white is hot. Now I'm gonna have to tear it off the wall and re-do it tomorrow. All because this house is a backwards, rickety, junk-filled piece of crap. I'm so frustrated and stressed out I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

I hate it all. I hate everything. I just want to eat apple pie and then go to bed and sleep for days. Of course, I can't do that because there's no headboard. I hate having the bed shoved against the wall. I'm so irritated. I miss you so much and my life is just all pieces.


I miss you, Grammie.

Love you always,
Kit


P.S. - I almost forgot! Your Peanut was outside today in the sunshine and the dog from next door was over. She tried to play with him and the when he was going to play with her she got all chicken and hid under the table. It was really funny. You would've laughed.

Peanut the Barking Dog

Dear Grammie,

I thought I'd drop you a note tonight before I try to sleep. Your little dog has been very barky lately. It's driving me nuts, but I'm trying to stay patient. She really needs to go out for a walk, I think, but it's been so chilly out that she shivers if the space heater isn't on and she isn't wrapped in her blanket. I suppose tomorrow I will bundle her up like a fat, little sausage and take her around the block a couple times.

Mum is coming back next weekend to finish cleaning your house out. I don't know that I can stand that. I dream about you some nights. You come back all vital and happy and we're so happy to see you. Crap, I can't talk about this or I'll bawl.

I went and looked at apartments today. They weren't bad, but you couldn't have a grill there because of their siding. I would want a grill, but I don't suppose it's critical. They just weren't super nice places or anything. The one wasn't too bad, and could be made homey with some love, but man, I just don't know if I could handle apartment living again. Up and down those stairs fifteen times a day with Peanut and Doodis. Not really my idea of fun. Tomorrow I'm going to check out a couple condos in Moorhead. My hopes aren't very high. There's no association so it kind of seems like things may not get done forever. Crappy deal, possibly. It's worth a look, though. So far that duplex Mum and I went to see looks pretty good. Sure there were a few crummy things about it, but nothing major.

I miss you something awful, Grammie. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about all this. You would clear the jumble out of my brains. Oh well. We don't always get what we want, do we? I can wish, though.

I suppose I had better at least try to sleep. I'm low on my liquid magic, so I'm trying to conserve it, especially since Kaboodle discovered it. Guess I can kiss that goodbye. *sigh*

I miss you Grammie.

Love you always,
Kit

Your Phone Number

Dear Grammie,

I called your phone number today to see if Mum had arrived and got the "This number is out of service" recording.

It was a nasty shock.

I've been calling that number for over thirty years. It makes me sick to hear that recording.

I can't even think about it right now. I'll write more later.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Full Disclosure

Dear Grammie,

I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've last written. Things here have been difficult. I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just dive in and see where it leads me.

I can't live with Kaboodle anymore. The hoarding has gotten too difficult for me to deal with. I suppose I shouldn't have let it go on so long, but I didn't really understand what was at hand with her. My hopes of her getting treatment are slim. I know her and her family too well. I can barely stand to be here anymore. I want to put a bullet in my brain then I won't have to deal with it anymore.

I have no where to go now that you're gone. Your house is gone. I'm alone and pretty much hopeless. I can't see a way out of this. Mum said we could find an apartment for me, but all the apartments around here are so cheaply made and crappy that I hate being in them. I hate being surrounded by people that may start my home on fire because they're drunk and stupid. I hate the thought of being in apartment and I hate the thought of being here. I feel like there's just no hope anymore. I'll either be trapped in this pig sty or trapped in some shitty apartment. Pardon the swear, but crappy just wouldn't cut it. I just loathe the idea of living in an apartment beholden to someone else and their candles. Oh, there are more reasons than that, but I can't list them all. I suppose the facts that someone might set it on fire and that it's not mine are the big ones, though. It's like they build the buildings out of cardboard and their kitchens are so cheaply made it makes me cringe to set foot in them.

I did some reading on hoarding at the Mayo Clinic site. The web address is:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hoarding/DS00966

I was saddened to see that hoarding is harder to overcome if an immediate family member exhibits symptoms. Kaboodle's father and brother are hoarders, I believe. I don't expect her to change. I don't expect her to even acknowledge it as a problem. I expect tears and anger and shouting. I'm not usually disappointed. It's like I woke up and discovered I was in some kind of hell.

In addition to our downstairs toilet being broken, the bathroom sink in there is also broken. Kaboodle's friends subcontracted the plumbing to their drunken buddies who thought it would be okay to tape the pipes together instead of cement them. I could just cry. Does she think it's important enough to fix? Nah. Just let it sit there for who knows how long just like the toilet. Can't hardly get to them anyway there's too much junk all over.

Just as an aside, I hate these new Macbook chicklet-style keys. My fingers slip all over them and don't stay on the right keys. Irritating as hell.

I wish you were here. I wish that so much. I need your advice. I need your shoulder. I need your smile. I need a hug. Mum tries to help but she takes so bloody long to do anything I might as well wait for the next ice age. It makes me want to scream. It all makes me want to cry.

There just is no point anymore, Gram. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there's no tunnel either. It feels like I've been buried alive and I'm just inhaling cold soil instead of air. I don't want to dig anymore. I just want to lay down and stop fighting. Stop trying. There's just no way out.

I miss you Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

Just Thinking of You

Dear Grammie,

Just a note to let you know that I'm thinking about you again. I think about you every day. Peanut has been a pretty good girl. You'd be proud of her.

I'll write more later today. Just had trouble sleeping and thought I'd write a short note to say hi.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Snow!

Dear Grammie,

Well, we had our first snow of the season and you missed it! There were really big flakes for awhile and then they got smaller. They mostly melted when they hit the ground, but those that landed on other things hung around for awhile. There were still some on our deck when I took Peanut and Doodis outside for night-night potty. Speaking of potty...

I think Peanut is finally pretty well potty trained. She hasn't had an accident in the house for over a week, and the one "accident" that Kaboodle says she had isn't officially an accident since no one saw it until much later - it could've been her water dish spillage. No one knows for sure, but she hasn't gone potty in that spot again, so I'm dubious that it was an accident.

Peanut and I went for a walk today before the snow started. I put her sweater on and off we went. We went about eight or nine blocks and she was very good on the walk. She only pulled a little toward the end and I suspect it was because she was chilly and thirsty. It was awfully cold out, but when we got home and I took her sweater off, she felt warm to the touch, so I don't think she got chilled. I have that photo of you and her up here on my desk. It's like a little stab in the heart every time I see it. Make no mistake - I do love your little dog. She's my little dog now and I'll take good care of her. Well, she'll always be your little dog too.

Peanut chewed a hole in my sweat pants tonight. I thought she was chewing on her blanket. She does that when she's tired, remember? I remember all the holes in your pants that she chewed. I thought it was funny. It's not that huge of a deal. It's a small hole and I'll sew it up tomorrow. I have to do some dog toy repair too. Thank you for teaching me how to sew. I never knew it would come in this handy.

Did I tell you that I've taken up crocheting again? Well, I have. I didn't realize I'd enjoy it quite so much. I took your knitting needles and crochet hooks home with me and thought maybe I'd start again. Well, I like it. Weird. I decided that maybe I'd crochet a cat hammock. Wiggits likes to lay in folds of cloth so I thought maybe she'd like a cat hammock. I'd hang it from her cat climber and see if she takes a shine to it. She doesn't really need one, but I could practice my various stitches that way.

For some weird reason I thought about that show, "Without a Trace" tonight while I was brushing my teeth. You loved that show and I remember this spring we read it had been cancelled and you were disappointed. Well, here you aren't even here to watch it anyway. Who would've guessed? Every time I see a rerun listed in the guide, I think of you.

My pocket watch is still working well and I still like it. I've taken to wearing my wristwatch while at home because it's hard to carry a pocket watch when you wear sweats. The watch band is too tight though and it bothers me. I have to go to Minnie's house tomorrow and fix her email so I'm going to stop a couple places and see if they have a suitable watch band replacement or something. I could try wearing the digital watch, but I've always had trouble with those.

I had a nice little supper tonight. Soup, cottage cheese, an english muffin, and a glass of milk. You were right about cooking for one and how it's difficult to do. What I had tonight was just right for me. I had to put Peanut in her area while I ate because she keeps trying to stick her nose in my food. She usually quits when I tell her "no", but I wanted her to eat her kibble too. I ate my supper and she ate hers, then back to my lap it was. She's so warm and I miss her when I'm gone a long time. I miss Doodis too, of course.

Well, I suppose I should go to bed. I'm up awfully late tonight, but I've had trouble shutting off my mind lately. I'm not really sure why. I did break down and turn on the furnace today. It was just so cold all day and I couldn't shake the chill. Heck, it's 26º F right now outside! My tomato plants bit the dust last night when it froze but I'm okay with that. I bet you would've broken out your Stay-Puft-O-Pontomous coat. Mum has it now. She needed one, I guess. I don't know what happened to her green Stay-Puft-O-Pontomous coat, but whatever works.

Listen to me babble on! I was never very good at visiting on the telephone, but give me a keyboard and I become shockingly loquacious. No, I haven't had a beer either. Ha-ha.

Really, I'm going to bed now. Really. See? There I go. I'll write soon. Hugs and kisses!

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Of Hamsters and Hibernation

Dear Grammie,

Well, there was sure some excitement tonight. Normally I hear my hamster's wheel going like crazy every time I get up to use the bathroom, but there was nothing tonight. Now, poor little Indi is old so she's been slowing down some, but usually she's running miles at this time of night. I thought I'd better check.

I found her, huddled in her house, barely breathing and cool to the touch. I thought she was dying. I held her in my hand and called the emergency vet. They said that I should bring her in. I did some quick checking of my bank balance on the internet as I got ready to leave. As I was reading, I noticed some activity from the small, furry bundle in my hand. I looked under the washcloth and noticed she had one eye cracked open and was kind of snuffling around. I grabbed the small piece of walnut I had handy and offered it. She took it!!

I immediately ran downstairs and made some sugar water. I also called Kaboodle. She said she'd bring some baby food and Pedialite home. I grabbed a clean Microbrush (one of those little tufted things I use for watercolors) and dipped it in the sugar water and offered it. She licked it off. I gave her more water like this on and off with small chunks of walnut for about an hour all the while holding her. I plugged in the electric blanket and tried to set her in there, but she crawled back into my hand. I decided to just hold her since she seemed to want to be held.

I was so worried! I know she's old, she's just like skin and bones and fur no matter how much I feed her. I got her probably two years ago and they usually don't live past three. Well, I've probably had her more like two and a half years. I can't remember exactly. I'd have to check in my journal, and I don't always write in that, as you know.

I changed her cage stuffing and filled her water bottle with sugar and water solution and I put in a bunch of toilet paper all ripped up so she can make a little nest and then I hauled the whole works downstairs to the TV Room where it's the warmest in the house. Doodis was pretty happy to see me. I cleared everything off my computer table and put her there. She scooted around her cage and checked things out and then even got in her wheel and ran a tiny bit before climbing into her food dish and stuffing her cheeks. I hope she's okay now. She seemed alert and her eyes were open. Her nose was twitching and stuff too.

I think I'm going to run down and check on her. Be right back...

Okay, I'm back, sorry. She's still a little wobbly but I think she'll be okay. I think I startled her a little bit because she squeaked at me when I touched her and she's never done that before. Oops. Sorry, Indi. She went back to her food dish and climbed back in. I don't blame her, I filled that sucker almost to the top. I hope she'll be okay. If I wasn't so incredibly tired, I'd hold her until Kaboodle came home, but I think I'd fall asleep and I certainly don't want to roll over and smoosh her. That would suck the big one. I know she's old and that she probably won't live forever, but I don't want her to die just yet.

Speaking of dying, something is killing off my fish and no, it's not the cats. Most of my angelfish have died and the blood parrot cichlids are sick. My goldfish is also sick. We've put in medicine and moved them out of the tank, so I guess it's the waiting game now. I can't figure out what's up. There have been no new additions to the tank and the tank itself isn't dirty. Maybe the chemical levels are off, but we just did the water change. PetSmart, here I come with a water sample. I don't plan to replace the fish if they die. I think three tanks are too much for us, really. Kaboodle is balking at it, but I'm going to stand firm on this. I'm not going to get another hamster either. I bond to them too much and bawl my fool head off when they die. I think two dogs and two cats are plenty for me. I know you think I'm crazy, and you're right. At least I seem to be able to recognize my limits now. When I was younger I was oblivious. Perhaps some of your wisdom did rub off on me. I'd certainly like to think so!

Well, I suppose I should go since it's really early in the morning and I have yet to see much sleep. I'm sorry if there are a bunch of typos. I probably won't go back and check for them tomorrow, so please forgive me. I'm super sleepy, which is a nice change of pace.

OH! I almost forgot! A friend of D'Nyed is an apprentice tattoo artist so her work is less expensive. I'm going to go check her out and see if I can get the memorial tattoo done for a reasonable price. I'm just not sure where on my body I want to put it. I suppose I should draw it up too before I go. Yeah, yeah I know. I like tattoos though.

Okay, now I'm really going to sign off and go to bed. I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

The Promised Note

Dear Grammie,

Here's the note I promised you:

b#


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, sorry, I just couldn't resist.

I'm watching NCIS right now. We used to watch it together, remember? I miss that.

Peanut is still doing very well with her potty training. I take her out a lot and she almost always goes when she's told. Lots of praise for her when she goes. She's currently sitting at my feet looking up at me waiting for me to pick her up. She may have to stay in her bed though, because she's started barking at Doodis when she comes over for petting. Doodis needs petting too!

Speaking of Doodis, I saw her limping up the back stairs today after going outside for potty. When I looked at her paw, I saw a thorn stuck in her big pad. I pulled it out, of course, and she was so happy. I got lots of waggy tail and puppy smiles. Oh the love in her big brown eyes. It just melts my heart.

Peanut is full of love too. Just the other night, she was sleeping on my lap under her blanket and Bixy came over. He lay down on my lap and partly on top of Peanut's blanket. They lay that way for quite awhile and then Peanut suddenly sensed his presence and peeked her head out from under her blanket. They touched noses and then Peanut lay back down and went to sleep again. It was so cute.

I talked to Dr. Bea about Kaboodle and she thinks that we need to see a therapist. She suspects that Kaboodle suffers from OCD and I'm not surprised. I'm just relieved that it's something that we may be able to work through. I have some hope again. I just don't know how I'm going to approach this with Kaboodle though. Wish me luck.

I've taken up crocheting again. I'm still working to master the half stitch thing. It gets complicated and Peanut likes to sit on my book as well as play with my yarn. She's like Bixy or Wiggits. It's funny.

Well, Peanut is down on the floor crying to come sit in my lap and you know I have a hard time resisting her so I'm going to go sit back in my chair and let her cuddle up in her blanket.

I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Just a Note Before Bed

Dear Grammie,

I'm headed off to bed shortly but I wanted to drop you a note before I go. I've been having trouble sleeping again and I keep forgetting to take my melatonin. Duh!

Your little dog has been so good about going out to go potty, even in the cold weather. You'd be so proud! I sure am.

Went over to your house and helped Mum finish up the inventories of your china and glassware. You had some really beautiful pieces. I'm keeping a few of the Royal Doulton pieces that remind me of you. Thanks!

Your house seems so dark and empty without you and your furniture in it. It echos and I don't like it. Even Peanut thought it was strange when I brought her over. She stayed in her crate almost the whole time, which is unheard of behavior for her! She didn't even want to play ball. I think she misses you, Grammie.

Speaking of Peanut, I got her new collar in the mail a couple days ago. It's red, just like you wanted. It has her name and our phone number embroidered on it so she doesn't have to wear her tags all the time. That should really cut down on the welts she gets from the metal. I think if she had more fur then the metal wouldn't irritate her skin so much, but alas, she is a shorty-fur dog. I'll still clip her tags to her when she's outside and when we go in the car. I'm going to call the vet in the next couple days and make an appointment for her to be chipped like my other dog and the cats. I don't want to lose little Peanut.

Mum made it back to the City okay. It was late, but she made it safely, which was what I was worried about. There are still a few things left at your house, but she'll be back in a few weeks and we'll finish then. I'm kind of kicking myself for not taking your house when I had the chance. At least we wouldn't have had to rush so much. I guess that's just life, though.

I'll write more tomorrow, I promise. I'm just so tired now and chilled from sitting outside waiting for Peanut to go potty. I've never seen a dog take so long to do her business! We're gonna freeze this winter!

I miss you, Grammie!


Love you always,
Kit

Skinned Knees and Poo on the Floor

Dear Grammie,

It's been a couple of days so I thought I should drop you a note. I've been hanging in there, but it's been tough. I can't deal with the clutter anymore and Kaboodle won't let me throw things away. I sure wanted your advice yesterday. I needed your words of wisdom.

Last night it started raining and thundering. Peanut was afraid, but after awhile she calmed down. I just held her in her dog blanket until she stopped shaking. Later, before it was time for bed, I took her outside for potty and as I was going down the stairs, I slipped or stepped on that part of the broken stair, or something and before I knew it, I was falling. I twisted so I landed on my right knee and hand since I was holding Peanut in my left. She was unhurt, but I was injured. I didn't realize how much until I got back inside, but before that, I sat on the picnic table, in the rain, and cried a little bit. I cried for you and for me and for the state of my life. How did things get like this?

After the dogs finished their potty, we went back inside and I tucked them into their dog beds. Then I saw my injuries. Nothing too serious, but it did require some first aid. I tore a fingernail away from the quick and I skinned both my knees. The left one was small and hardly bleeding but the left looks like meatloaf...the food, not the singer. I washed it, put some stuff on it and then discovered I couldn't find any gauze. Really? Sheesh. I found a clean rag and some large band-aids and improvised. It still hurts pretty good today. It stings. Yes, Gram, I changed the bandage earlier. You taught me well. Hmm? Yep, going to let some air at it tonight while I sleep. Can't bang it against furniture in bed.

Peanut has been a very good girl lately. She asked to go outside to go potty today! Can you believe it? It was raining too, and yes, she did actually go outside and go potty! Later, she pooped on the floor though. Not a giant, scary poo, just a little poo and I forgave the oops...it is cold outside and it was pouring rain and she did wee outside, so one little bitty poo isn't something to stroke out over. I cleaned it up and then she came and sat in my lap for awhile. She was tired and cranky though, so I put her to bed.

Mum and I went out to one of your favorite dining spots tonight but neither of us ordered the Asian Chicken Salad that you liked so well. We split an appetizer and then I had a small cheeseburger and some coleslaw. It was tasty. I liked your coleslaw better, but this was okay. Mum had a beer and we missed you very much.

I miss talking to you and asking your thoughts and opinions on things. I miss seeing you smile and making you laugh. It's like there is this big, empty spot inside me that's all dark and cold now. I suppose time will dull that pain and I will find a new normal, but right now it still sneaks up on me and spits in my face. Just for a moment last night, as I sat in the cold rain, I felt hopeless and wondered why I bothered to go on since life had suddenly become pointless. Then, a small, cold, wet nose nudged my leg and another cold, wet nose snuffled my hand and I remembered that these two dogs loved me with their whole hearts, just like you did, and that giving up was not only shameful, but simply not an option. You told me once that when you feel like you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up. I'm trying to go up now, Grammie. It's not easy and I feel weighed down and held back, but I'm not going to give up.

I suppose I should stop now before I write myself into a case of the sobs. I just miss you so much - more than I've ever missed anyone human. It's an odd feeling Grammie and I don't really know how to cope with it. I feel almost mildly panicked. Damn, I looked up to collect my thoughts and there was your photo. I miss you so. Okay, I'm getting close to sobbing now so I have to stop. I'm not even going to proof read this for typos. Typos be damned. Maybe I'll check it tomorrow. I guess I'll try to sleep to the sound of the rain. Goodnight, Grammie.


Love you always,
Kit

Lambrusco and Breadsticks

Dear Grammie,

Mum and I went to the Olive Garden tonight to drink a glass of wine and celebrate how wonderful you were.

We each had a glass of your favorite wine, Lambrusco, and toasted you. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. You know how I always think all wine tastes like church wine. Ick! This wasn't that bad though. It had some fruity notes to it that made it more mellow and less sour.

We each had the Never-Ending Pasta Bowls and I ate two bowls. I know, O-I-N-K, but it's been so long since I've eaten carbs like that. I'd forgotten how delicious carbs can be. I think I've stayed up long enough that I won't get sick from them. I hope.

We had good conversation and laughed about how Mum is deviating from her norm and it's weirding me out. Tacos? Coca-Cola? Late movies? Really? My mother? Yeah.

They've almost got your house sorted out. The charity truck came today and hauled some of your stuff off. The auction house is coming Wednesday. The appraiser said your dining room table set it worth about $1500! It is a beautiful table. Teak always has such a gorgeous grain to it.

We missed you tonight at the restaurant. It was odd to be there without you. We "dined" for almost two hours. We tipped extra, of course. Mum forgot she had a mint in her jacket pocket and Peanut ate it. We managed to get the foil out of her mouth. That wouldn't have been good. I asked her what Peanut was so into over there and if she had food in her jacket and she said "no." Ooops. I called the Emergency Vet to ask if Peanut would survive the chocolate and mint delight and they said she would. She may have an upset tummy though because she doesn't get that kind of stuff over here. It's dog food and dog treats and chew bones. No people-food.

Speaking of Peanut, I'm going to try and get her into the Vet tomorrow. I'd like to have her looked at for her sneezing and snot-blowing. That's gross! I know her old Vet said it was allergies, but I'd like to have her looked at by my Vet. I'd like them to look at her tummy too and see what's going on there. It looks rather like dermatitis or something of that sort. Perhaps there's a cream that would help. She also needs her rear checked. I saw her scoot earlier and I know what that means.

Don't worry, Gram, Peanut is well-loved here. She's doing so well with her house-training too. This winter she can go on her potty-pads if it's just too cold outside. I don't plan to leave her alone out there at all. I'll take her out and bring her in each time unless she decides to go on her pads again. She's only gone on them once since she came to live with us - every other time she waits and goes outside. I love her a lot, Grammie. She's a nice little dog...well, unless you're male.

Anyway, I suppose I shouldn't blather on endlessly. I love you Grammie and miss you very much!

Talk at you soon.


Love you always,
Kit

St. Tony's Bazaar

Dear Grammie,

Guess what? Kaboodle and I are going to St. Tony's Bazaar. I know, huh? Well, Grandma Ginny called and asked us to go along, so we figured it would be some kind of fun. I like to look at all the things they sell there. Sometimes you find treasure.

I'm still fighting a cold and I'm not really sure if I should go out and about today, especially since it's raining and windy, but I'm going to chance it. I have to go over to your house and pick up the last of my things anyway.

I better go get dressed and ready, but I just wanted to drop you a note before I left. Talk at you soon!


Love you always,
Kit

Ginger Ale and More!

Dear Grammie,

I ate way too much crap today and developed a stomach ache so I stopped to buy some ginger ale. The green bottle reminded me of the couple times we flew together and split a can of ginger ale.

Being reminded that you're dead is like a nasty surprise.

Kaboodle and I went to Bennigan's today and I had the Monte Cristo and a bowl of potato soup. You would've loved it. I thought that we should go there and then I remembered that you weren't here anymore. *sigh*

I miss you so much.

Mum and Auntie have been at each other's throats lately. I know you told them to get along, but they're too different, methinks. Mum actually went to a movie in a theatre tonight! I was shocked. She's been doing so many things out of character since you died. It's weird.

I looked at the pictures of your 80th birthday today when I uploaded them up my computer. You looked so tired but happy all the same. It was a pretty good day, wasn't it? You had a good appetite and enjoyed most of your favorite foods. It was nice to see you smile. Your little dog was happy to see you too. She's a sweet little dog.

I guess I better go work a little bit now. I miss you.


Love you always,
Kit

Funeral, Etc.

Dear Grammie,

Your funeral was yesterday. It was a nice funeral. There weren't as many people there as I expected, which really surprised me. I know you were very well-liked by many people and to see the Church so empty really puzzled me. The only things I can think of as reasons is that you were 80 when you died and that perhaps you had out-lived a lot of them and second is that the Church is pretty big. Maybe it just looked empty because people were spread out all over. Heck, maybe even the fact it was a Monday and a work day contributed, but I certainly would've done whatever was necessary to get off work.

I did a reading from the Bible. I'm not normally a really religious person, as you know, but I thought you would like it if I did a reading. I've never been up there on the podium before and I was a little nervous. There were a lot of things to remember - proper times to bow, and to pause and how and when to regard the congregation. It's sort of a blur in my mind now, but after the service I received a lot of compliments. A few people said I should read regularly. I think that means I'd have to go to Church every Sunday and you know I think Church is boring. Sorry, Gram.

After the little luncheon thing, we were going to drive to Melrose to bury you. Kaboodle and I left the luncheon early to gas up the truck and get your little dog ready for the ride. We hurried, but the buggers left without us! Can you believe that? Not even a phone call! It's okay though, because doing 100 mph on the Interstate for two miles caught us up nicely. Dangerous, yes, but I didn't want to get to the cemetery and have everyone be gone already.

Oh, the cemetery. It had been raining all day and the mosquitos were awful. I don't know if they were so excited to actually have living humans to feast on or what, but they were just swarming us all. It didn't help that it was now dusk. Some guy said some words and then we all shook holy water on your casket. Your sister had a tough time, but I helped her. They lowered you down after sealing your casket inside a...well...I don't really know what it was. Some kind of sarcophagus or something. It had your name and the dates on a metal plate on it and it sealed up tight. It looked metal, but I wasn't going to go over there and plink it or anything. Pretty sure my Mom would've freaked out if I did that. Your little dog was a very good girl. She let people pet her and she cheered up Auntie, which was good because I kind of thought she was going to have hysterics.

I must say, Grammie, it was really, really weird seeing you in that box. They locked you in. Well, maybe that's locking people out. I don't know. I suppose there's a good reason for it, but I don't know what it is. Foil grave robbers? Do people still do that?

I was a pall-bearer for you. You were heavy, Grammie. Well, okay, not you specifically, but your casket. You remember those big stone pillars flanking the start of the main aisle in Church? Yeah, try to get six fat people and a huge box by those unscathed. Not gonna happen. Your box was okay, but we were all squished. Wrecked the buttons on M.A.'s suit. At least you rode in style, though, right?

It rained when they brought your box into the Church and it rained again when they brought it out. I almost lost it then, on the way to the hearse. The gray sky, the rain, the places so full of memories, and you in that box. I mean, I know you're not really in there, it's just your body, but still. Anyway, we saw you into the hearse and later, into your grave.

As I lay in bed later, listening to the rain fall on the roof, I thought about your body laying under all that wet earth in the cold night. I miss you, Grammie. I miss you so damn much. I miss talking to you and telling you things, which is why I'm writing these letters. Oh, which reminds me. Do you know what they are doing with your furniture?! Putting it on Craigslist! Really. I'm not kidding. I'm so mad I could...I don't know...spit? Seriously, I'm way mad. I just want to crack some heads together.

Okay, I suppose I should sign off for now, Grammie. I've got a bunch of work that needs doing. One can only procrastinate for so long before the deadline arrives and it's panic-city. Besides, I'm kind of a perfectionist about my work, as you know. Talk to you soon!


Love you always,
Kit

After the Wake

Dear Gram,

Well, the wake went pretty well. A lot of your friends from the choir showed up and sang. I haven't seen some of them since I was little. I wish Inez had been the soloist. The one they had sucked donkey balls. It was like she was tone-deaf. She sang so badly that the dogs outside howled along with her. Okay, okay...maybe I exaggerate a little bit, but it was pretty bad.

After the service I went to your house that's not your house anymore and ripped off that horrible girdle and changed back into my shorts and tee-shirt. I know I should lose a little weight, but I have an ice cream problem. Anyway, my cousins and I went out and had some burgers and played a few games of pool. It was pretty fun!

Tomorrow is your funeral proper and I have a reading to do there. Mum told me to practice it a lot, but it seems pretty straightforward. I've never read at the church though, so I'm a little nervous. What if I trip and split my pants? I'd never know with that damn girdle on. I hope someone texts me if that happens.

Right now, I'm fighting exhaustion because I wanted to drop you this note. Your little dog is snuggled up aside me. She's so warm and wiggly. I am honored to take care of her for you.

I saw your body in your casket. It was sort of creepy. No offense, Gram, but it just didn't look like you. There was no warmth or smile. It was like you are totally gone from this world now. I know you are, but just in case there's Interwebz in Heaven, I thought I'd write. You never really did take to the computer like you thought you might. I'm glad you got a few good games of solitaire played though.

Well, Gram, I guess I'd better sign off for now and get some sleep. Tomorrow is your service and then the long drive to the cemetery to lay your body to rest. I'm a pallbearer, you know, so I'd better be rested up. I don't want to drop it. I hope my hands don't get all sweaty. That would really, really suck. Almost as bad as the soloist.


Love you always,
Kit

Getting Ready for Your Wake

Dear Grammie,

Well, here I am, getting ready for your wake. It's weird you know? I did two large photo boards with pictures from your life and it struck me that I won't be able to show you my work anymore. Who's going to appreciate my half-arsed attempt at art like you do? It's like I'm living in a crappy parallel dimension.

Peanut is doing pretty well here. She's almost potty-trained. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but it seems that you can at least potty-train them. Well, if you're really diligent and watch them like a hawk. It doesn't make it easy to get anything else done around the house, but at least I don't have to do the pee-pee dance.

You should see my suit. It looks really nice. Too bad I'm too fat for it. Yeah, I have to wear a girdle-corset type thing. It's not very comfortable and if I'm not careful, I chafe. My shirt is coral pink. Yeah. Well, I’m only wearing it because it's your favorite color. I look like a strange version of myself. Like I'm playing dress-up or something. I vote for "something".

I suppose I should shut my yap and get moving. I'm all ready, shoes even shined, except that I haven't put my "zoot suit" on yet. I'd better load up the car and go over to your house to put my clothes on. They sold it, did you know?

Your three kids sold your house to some stranger. I wanted it, but I already have a place that I call home. I hope the new owner doesn't change everything too much and make it ugly. I spent 33 years coming and going from your house as I pleased and to lose that last little bit of my "always loved and accepted" zone really kicks me in the teeth.

Sorry, Gram, I gotta run right now. I'll write more later when I get home.


Love you always,
Kit